Produce Aisle 911!

Hello Pearls!

Man o’ man! It has been so long since I’ve updated! The extended hiatus was once again not a part of my intent.

Onto the story of the day. Ladies and gents? Let’s talk about produce. Are you one of those people that consider a french fry a vegetable? Would you sooner die if you saw something green on your plate? Well this is for you!

OMG Did You See What Weight Watchers Did?

Weight Watchers, if I’m being honest, does this fucking annoying thing where they change the program every year. From Core, to Points, to Momentum, to Points Plus, and now we have Simple Start. Really? I was actually in that Points to Momentum to Points Plus transition. Thanks for nothing Weight Watchers when I bought a 50 dollar cookbook on clearance for 10, and then it’s obsolete. Jerks.

But Simple Start Is A Revelation Of Goodness!

Simple Start officially launches New Year’s Day. Current Weight Watchers members have early access to it. Like yours truly. Let me break this down as easy as possible:

  1.  You don’t have to count those annoying points. Ever again.
  2. You don’t have to measure a single thing. At all.
  3. You can eat as much as you want.

“What deviltry is this!” you say. And I say “Yea, verily. Come and see.”

It’s very easy. Ready. Hold on.

Pick a lean protein, a whole grain, and a fruit or veggie. Bam done.


And I lost 7 pounds in 2 weeks. Yes, ma’am!


Holy Crap! Look At The Size Of Those Lucious Melons!

So, if you’re thinking about melons instead of watermelons, let’s fix that. The idea of Simple Start is you pack in as much veggies and fruits as possible. But you’re still saying ew right? Here we go!

Let’s put to rest one thing:

If you are getting your fruits and veggies from a can ur dooin’ eet wrong! – Lex

“Well, my mama did it that way and my nana before her and my nanana before her!” you say.

And it was putrid wasn’t it? No taste? And you had to slather it in gravy, butter, or some kind of condiment to drown out the yuck.

Getting your fruits and veggies straight from that foreign place called The Produce Aisle. Here’s some quick tips to get your feet wet!

  • Think of what kinds of flavors you like in junk food. Do you like orange or citrus-y things?
  • Try: Clementines. Those things called Cuties you see that are ten bucks because they’re marked to kids. But there’s Halos. Also a brand of clementine marketed to kids for half the price. You can get a huge bag for seven bucks. I freaking swear by Halos.
  • Why: Because it is totally okay to eat four (or six… or eight…) of these suckers at once. They’re also very easy to peel. I have no fingernails, so I hate pushing tough skin into my nail bed.
  • Avoid: Oranges. You might get an orange that is delicious. And then you get the orange that is like chewing wet paper and makes you gag. I still have a tough time choking down an orange.
  • Do you like berry flavored things? Like gummies? Or hard candies?
  • Try: Blueberries, Blackberries, Raspberries, Strawberries, Cherries, etc. Slight problem is sometimes berries are expensive. Like five bucks for half a pint of blueberries. Or sometimes the berries look like they’ve gone past. Pick something that looks reasonable. Also, if you’re willing to pay the extra couple of bucks, pick a small half-pint container just to try it and see if you like it.
  • What To Do With Them: Desserts, Smoothies, Compotes for oatmeal and pancakes. Everything!
  • Protip: If the berries don’t taste like they do in your candy bar (and they don’t really.) Put some Splenda on a bowl of them, toss to coat, and stick in the fridge. This is called macerating. You’re drawing out the juice to make it sweeter.
  • Protip 2: The broiler is your freaking friend. Put a little fat free ricotta on a piece of toast. Top with berries. Sprinkle a bit of Splenda and cinnamon. Stick it under there until the berries burst a little. Behold. I have blessed you with a danish.
  • Bonus Protip: I really can’t stand the taste of a raw blueberry, blackberry, or raspberry. So I make compotes out of those like crazy.

Lex’s Quick And Easy Compote:

Take a saucepan on medium heat. Dump in some of your berries. Add a couple tablespoons of water. Add a couple tablespoons of Splenda Brown Sugar Blend. Add a tiny half pat of reduced fat butter. Let that bastard cook away. Stir it constantly. Let it reduce to a desired consistency.

Pour over your oatmeal, pancakes, cake, ice cream, whatever! I made a blueberry one for oatmeal but I used too much liquid. On one hand my oatmeal tasted like blueberry pie but on the other it was a very upsetting purple.

Well! With the sweet stuff down, tune in next week as I take you down the scary section called Vegetables.

Comment Prompt:

What kind of sweet food flavors do you love? Are you short on ideas on how to find those flavors in the all natural world?

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