The Evil I in Insecurity

Evil_I_InsecurityHello Internet! Today, on a Very Special Lex, we’re taking a topic that everyone faces by the horns. You know what I mean. That word that sneaks up on us in the moment of our biggest victories. That evil I-word that steals our greatness and sends us ducking for cover.

Today, let’s talk about Insecurity. Yeah, it deserves that great big I.

As they say, there’s no I in Team, but absolutely a me, me, me, MEEEE in Insecurity.

Right now, I have some pretty fan-freaking-tastic things going on in my life right now. I’m co-writing an awesome meet-cute book with Bru Baker about a haunted IKEA, and I am psyched. I’m getting edits any day now on Miracle in Axis City, the fourth Checkmate book for the Checkmate Ever After paperback. And thanks to the ladies at the Dreamspinner social crew, I’m doing a once a month blog post over at the Dreamspinner Press Blog.

Right? This stuff is amazing right? Holy crap productivity! Holy crap amazeballs! WOOT! LEX SHOOTS, SHE SCORES!

And there I was, being a good deadline meeting monkey, and getting to the revisions on the first two Darkmore Saga books. Chasing Sunrise is set for re-release under the DSP Publications line in April 2016, and Glass Moon October 2016, and Star Fall is coming 2017.

I open the notes for Glass Moon…

…And want to crawl under the nearest rock.

I had seen the notes before, I knew what I needed to do. And I knew I had a lot of rewriting ahead of me. But nothing takes the wind out of your sails faster when the Insecurity Monster comes to crunch on your brain.

I ran through all the usual panicked questions.

“DSP gave me a contract for this?

“I got paid money for this?

“What was I thinking?

What is this garbage?

I was paralyzed with doubt. All of the positive things going my way didn’t just go flying out the window, they were shoved through a plate glass window of a New York City penthouse.

I ate my feelings. I buried myself in Investigation Discovery marathons of Blood Relatives and Evil Kin. I ate my feelings some more. I put on flannel jammies and a fuzzy hoodie despite it being 82F outside. I kept on eating my feelings.

I was having a catastrophic failure to adult.

But I realized, I wasn’t alone. There’s a lot of doubt floating around lately. On Facebook, Twitter, even in our meat space lives. From jobs, to parenthood, to love lives, everyone is having a rash of doubt. Writers are the kings of doubt.

But here’s what I also realized. It’s all okay. It’s all okay to have that momentary dalliance with doubt. It’s all okay to sit through six hours of Wives with Knives with a tub of ice cream. (Wait. You don’t? Um.)

Sometimes these moments of doubt last more than a moment. Sometimes they last several. Sometimes they last so damned much you piss off everyone around you for being so whiny.

But you know what? You get back up, you dust yourself off, and you’re back in the fray.

You know what, we’re all awesome. And it’s okay to not feel so awesome. I’m working my way back to it to remind myself I’ve got tons of cool stuff happening. And I’ve got to remind myself I can do this. I got this.

Take that I out of Insecurity, and tell yourself, “I am not insecure. I am not afraid. I am freaking awesome.”

I am not insecure.

I am not afraid.

Haters to the left, because I am freaking awesome.

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